Step 9 in the AA program of recovery from alcoholism is;
Step Nine
“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
Again we turn to part of what one can find on aa.org about each step. The introduction to step 9 says:
“GOOD judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence—these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine.
“After we have made the list of people we have harmed, have reflected carefully upon each instance, and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. There will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good. There will be other cases where ac- tion ought to be deferred, and still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all. “
As I emphasized in writing on step 8, it is very important to remind ourselves that the goal is to do the next right thing because it is the next right thing and not because we want, need, or expect others to forgive us or to accept our apology and amends. From personal experience I know that it is important for this human to remind myself that I need to examine my complete motive for apologizing and making amends. If I am hoping to manipulate, get something in return, prove what a good person I am or some other selfish or self centered motive my behavior is not going to have any spiritual benefit for myself or the other person. For example, if, even silently to myself, I am saying, “I will show you I am the bigger person. You did not apologize or even try to make amends when you did such and such, but we know that your program of spiritual growth is a sham while mine is heartfelt and, thus, more meaningful.” obviously, this action would not, in any sense, satisfy the purpose and spirit of step 9. I have titled these series “The 12 steps of spiritual growth for all of us”. Perhaps I need to remind myself and the reader what the term spiritual growth means to me.
The beliefs which hold the essence of the concept of spiritual growth for me are:
· We are all equal/deserving members of this universe.
· The goal is for all of us to operate as a unit while retaining our individual talents, characteristics and “flavor”
· There is no scientific way of assigning points to each behavior which impedes in any way the goal of functioning In a life affirming manner.
· We are all prone to various “dis eases” which affect our ability to function in a way which is life affirming.
· Acceptance of the humanness of ourselves and each other brings us closer to our ability to love unconditionally - to be compassionate.
· In order to live in a way which is life affirming we must strive to affirm the intrinsic value of all of creation/existence.
When I am not able to affirm my own sacredness because of addiction, fear, or unresolved issues which result in “dis eases”, I take from others and have nothing to give back in return. We often begin our journey of spiritual growth having deficit spent for a long time. The purpose of step 9 is to acknowledge both that I have been hurtful to myself and others as well as to affirm that I have something worth giving back. This could involve paying money back that I stole. It could involve repairing physical damage that I have caused. It may involve paying bills while my partner takes a break or returns to school. It may involve taking over primary child care to give my partner a break. It may involve a public apology to the community and doing some community service as a way of symbolically giving back some of what I have taken. It may involve keeping my mouth shut and not letting others know of some past action which involved another person. If I have had an affair with my best friend’s partner/spouse it may not be to anyone’s benefit to try to make amends to my best friend. At least it may not benefit anyone to openly admit what has been going on. What the partner/spouse of my best friends needs to do could be something different. It may mean an institution such as a church admitting publicly that sexual abuse has been going on and they are instituting a realistic program to both help the victims heal and to diagnose and address the issues of sexual abuse. It does not mean punishment of anyone for punishment sake. I have known priest who sexually abused or took advantage of others who have worked hard to heal from addictions and other dis-eases. They are now very loving, compassionate people who are a credit to themselves, the God of their understanding and the church.
Frequently there is the question of what to do when making amends might mean the possibility of legal action and going to jail/prison. One has to consider whether the victim/the person hurt needs the validation of the abuse in order to go forward with their healing process. One also has to consider whether one is going to be able to refrain from repeating that behavior.
Another factor to consider is whether indeed one has been hurtful or whether one’s behavior was “simply” inconsistent with the beliefs of someone else but was not inconsistent with one’s moral and spiritual values. For example, the other day I watched a movie in which an African American young male was finally able to accept that he was gay. Both the mother and the pastor of the church they attended insisted that his behavior was upsetting to God and was designed to hurt the mother and the church. They wanted him to “surrender” to God’s will, to ask for forgiveness and to promise to stay away from the man with whom he had fallen in love. As far as the young man was concerned he had very prayerfully considered his behavior, had talked to other healthy adults to get help in coming to terms with who he was and,after a lot of pain and suicidal thoughts come to accept himself. In the movie he tried to accept responsibility for the “dis ease” of his mother and pastor which only led to more self loathing the unrealistic goal of becoming heterosexual. Clearly he had nothing for which to make amends. Perhaps it would have been better if he had found the courage to tell his mother and pastor before he was accidentally “caught” but, on the other hand, he was correct in predicting their reaction.
Sometimes the person to whom we need to make amends is the person who has been hurtful to us in the past, the person we have refused to forgive. We have held on to our hurt and resentment. Even if they are in treatment program and attempting to get well, we hold on to our “right” to judge and punish them. We may need to get honest with ourselves about why we are doing this. Do we really believe that we are better than they are? Do we really believe that there “sin” was worse than any of we have committed? Do we really believe that holding on the resentment is going to protect us from further hurt? Is it possible that our health is suffering as a result of holding on this resentment? Is it possible that we are fearful that if we forgive we will have to face a similar behavior or potential in ourselves? Is it possible that our self righteousness is just as hurtful as the past behavior of the other person?
Obviously, there are a lot of tough questions we may need to give ourselves permission to face as we contemplate and attempt to work a 9th step. We may need to remind ourselves that ‘easy does it”. The goal is not to be “Christ like” by 9:00 p.m. tonight. The goal is not to out Buddha the Buddha by midnight tonight. The goal is step by step, gently, lovingly, sometimes painfully, seek healing/spiritual growth.
Written September 14, 2015
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